


Minty Fresh Buttholes

by MastarHG



Category: Septiplier - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: (it's a lot of candy canes), Candy Canes, Christmas, Christmas Smut, Crack, M/M, One Shot, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, i've been threatening to write this since the dawn of time, mentions of fisting, well here you go ya kinky bastards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 23:06:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5516600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MastarHG/pseuds/MastarHG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jack is subject to having approximately 9 candy canes inserted into his anal sphincter.</p><p>(Ridiculous crack, read at your own peril.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Minty Fresh Buttholes

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS FIC SERIOUSLY; I CERTAINLY DIDN'T WHILE WRITING IT

“Oh god… can’t y'at least suck on t'em first?”

“There’s like ten of them! I’d be here sucking forever!” Mark, realising what he’d just said, was about to double back, but the shit-eating grin spreading all across Jack’s face told him that he was already too late. Damn, now he knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of an innuendo (not that they couldn’t both be as bad as each other) and oh god Freudian slips everywhere. Mark cleared his throat before continuing.

“Besides,” he said, “I wouldn’t have bought the Extra Thick ones if I didn’t plan on stretching you out.”

Jack felt his cock lurch against his stomach, and he swallowed thickly. There was a pause as Mark studied one of the candy canes in his hand. He rubbed Jack’s bare ass absentmindedly as he tried to imagine what it would look like stuffed with ten of them.

“…Well?” Jack asked as he turned back around to face Mark.

“Well what?”

“Don’t just sit t'ere starin’ into space! Hurry up and put ‘em in me!”

Mark could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. It didn’t matter whether Jack topped or bottomed, he was still totally the one in charge. Mark reached beside Jack for the only bottle of lube they seemed to have at the moment, which happened to be an edible variety with a lemon-lime flavour. He uncapped the lid and poured a little of the very faintly green gel onto his finger, before teasing playfully around Jack’s hole.

It didn’t matter how many times they did it. Jack would always wince when Mark started lubing him up. Part of it was anticipation, part of it was cause lube was fucking cold as balls. ‘Warm lube would probably feel even more gross though,’ he thought, and returned to losing himself in the sensation of Mark’s massive fingers pressed against his ass.

Mark toyed with Jack’s butthole for only a few more moments, and the loss of contact only served to frustrate him further. Mark knew this. He revelled in the knowledge, even, that despite the fact that Jack could be a needy little bitch on times when it came to sex, he knew how to push all his buttons to have Jack screaming out his name by the time he came.

Mark poured a generous amount of lube onto the first cane - perhaps a bit too generous an amount - as it began to drip off the cane and onto the bedclothes. Whatever. Jack would be needing it in the long run.

The fact that it was taking so painfully long for Mark to do anything only made Jack even more painfully hard. He was about to yell for Mark to hurry up and do something before he just stuck them in himself, but his cry changed from anger to pleasure as it escaped his lips when the first cane suddenly slid into him. It was only a couple of centimetres thick, and with the copious amount of lubricant slathered on it, it slipped through his hole with the same ease as a strawberry in chocolate fondue.

Mark pushed the cane in until the 'hilt’ was just barely touching Jack’s skin - it was only about 6 or 7 inches, nothing he wasn’t used to. Mark honestly thought Jack looked pretty cute with a candy cane sticking out of his ass. All he needed was some ribbon tied in a bow around his dick, and maybe some to tie his hands behind his back, and he’d be the perfect little Christmas present… Mark decided to cut that train of thought short before he got carried away with Santa hats and red and white striped thigh high stockings. He brought himself back to Earth by kneading softly into Jack’s right buttcheek as he pick up the second cane. The real fun was just beginning.

–

It seemed unlikely that Jack’s ass could take an eighth candy cane. Then again, it had seemed unlikely that he could’ve taken the seventh. And the sixth. Mark wriggled the overly-slick cane in beside it’s companions, and lo, Jack’s sphincter yielded to accept it.

“Oh, God, Mark… I…” Jack could barely pant out. He was trying to hold back his orgasm, but each additional cane was wearing down his defences. Mark was right behind him, both literally and figuratively. He was continuously amazed by the ever growing number of canes that his boyfriend’s ass seemed capable of holding. It was almost stretched wide enough for Mark to fit his fist into… no, he had to stop getting carried away like that! He couldn’t cum yet. Not when there was still one last cane to insert.

Mark poured out a little more of the lube onto the last candy cane. He’d used up almost the entirety of the tube, and even though said tube had only been relatively small, the scent of citrus stained both of their nostrils, and much of the bedroom as well.

As Mark lined the last cane up alongside the others and began to work it in, he leaned over Jack’s back and began to stroke him off.

Jack couldn’t take it anymore. It felt like he’d been holding back for eons. He practically screamed as he came - not that there was anything surprising about that - partly into Mark’s hand and partly over the already filthy bedclothes.

What tipped Mark over the edge was the feeling of Jack arching his back instinctively as he came. As he did so, he inadvertently pressed himself harder and harder into Mark’s aching erection. Jack fell onto his elbows to stop himself from landing in the mess he’d just made as Mark bucked his hips, cumming onto Jack’s back, as well as onto the protruding canes.

It took all of Mark’s strength to not collapse on top of Jack in an exhausted, cum-stained heap, but he stayed up just long enough to withdraw one of canes from Jack’s poor, stretched asshole. Jack winced for the umpteenth time that afternoon as his sphincter clenched reflexively, and he rolled onto his right side so he could lie down properly as he tried to catch his breath. Mark lay down facing him (there was a tiny squelch as he made contact with Jack’s cum puddle, but he didn’t really care), and he really wanted to remark on how Jack still managed to look so genuinely beautiful even when he was completely fucking shattered after having an ass full of candy canes for nearly twenty minutes.

Instead, Mark chose to do something far more disgusting. He lifted the candy cane he’d removed above his head, and Jack immediately realised what was about to happen next.

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare,” he warned only half jokingly. Jack might have found the display erotic had the cane not been covered in cum and lube and generally infused with the essence of anus.

“What?” Mark asked, feigning genuine surprise, “Don’t you want me to seductively suck this candy cane?”

“What I want is for you t'not be so _utterly repulsive_.”

“Hey… don’t you use those big words on me…” Mark put down the candy cane, and Jack gave a little internal fist pump in triumph, “My brain is still dead.”

“Your brain is always dead.”

“Wow, Jack! Insensitive much?”

Jack smiled, and Mark chuckled. “C'mon,” Jack said after another moment’s silence, “Let’s get t'is mess cleaned up.”

**Author's Note:**

> ok, now that that's over, i just wanna make a quick announcement about my other fics: i'm currently working on the last chapter of One Week. i highly doubt it'll be finished before the new year, but expect it some time in january. as for the Perks series, that'll resume once i've finished One Week!
> 
> that's all from me. have a great christmas (or, if you observe another festival at this time of year, i hope you have an awesome time celebrating it!) and a wonderful new year!


End file.
